A Song of Isolation and Farage

(Editor: I decided a bit of satire was in order. With Britain leaving the EU, and Game of Thrones leaving our screens for a year, the time was ripe.)

Britain has voted to leave the EU, Brexit has come, and in the wake of this many have been speculating what future we might expect. Amid the plunging economics and wild screams of panic, there is the looming threat of secession and national fracturing. This has led me to believe there is only one possible scenario as a consequence of Brexit: the War of the Five Kings.

I grant you, this sounds odd, but hear me out.


It’s already true


Scotland will secede through referendum, Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland will be united in merry nationhood, and this will give Yorkshire the incentive it has always wanted to simply stop having to be anything but an independent Yorkshire. There is only one King in the North, and his name is Sean Bean. The Yorkshiremen will crown Sean of House Bean, then seize the Umberlands, Westmorland, and Durham in order to rebuild Hadrian’s Wall, topping the new parapets with Nutrigrain bars to ward off the famously health averse Scottish. This done, they will once more go to war with Lancashire for old time’s sake.

James Nesbitt obviously sitting on the Shamrock Throne (they’ve renamed the actual Iron Throne already there), sends Brendan Gleeson along with his sons Domhnall, Brian, Fergus, and Rory on a campaign to capture Wales for their Brexit heresies against the Faith of the Twelve Stars. London, keen to show its pious belief in the Faith, will secede from the rest of England and bloodily crucify all Eurosceptic MPs along its borders with the Home Counties. Though in the confusion, Boris Johnson escapes and a floppy haired clown is executed by mistake. Sadiq Khan will have entered into an uneasy alliance with Theresa May to achieve this. Thus we have our five kingdoms: Scotland, Ireland, Yorkshire, London, and England.

When Yorkshire captures Cheshire, Lord Khan will no longer want to be allied with

catelyn red

That face when dinner is ruined

Tories – for they are the natural enemies of northerners. He will make a secret alliance with Lady Kendall, wherein he sends Theresa May to Derbyshire for a normal diplomatic mission where she and all of that remained of her loyalists are slaughtered at the Red Afternoon Tea. In return, Lord Khan exiles the fallen Warden of Labour, Jeremy Corbyn, to the Isle of Wight. The newly strengthened Labour Party makes the Home Counties bend the knee; Katie Hopkins refuses and is drowned in the Channel, inside a giant effigy of a cockroach.


The Windsor Family remain as figureheads, relegated to the role of Emperor to Khan’s effective liberal shogunate. The Isle of Man has gone absolutely wild and is raiding up and down the west coast. All they needed was for people to stop paying attention, and their inherently savage Celtic ways resurfaced.

little cuckLord Farage is visited by the disgraced BoJo at his fortress, the biggest pub the world has ever seen. He is King of England, but the crown is worthless, he battles against the growing kingdoms of London, Ireland, and Yorkshire all at once. He is King of England, but the Iron Bank of Brussels laughs scornfully when he asks for trade deals to raise an army of Ukipers. He is King of England, but the Scottish have at last secured an alliance with the nations of Scandinavia, leaving him utterly without North Sea Oil (and Lord Bean with a particular Viking problem in the Umberlands).

He must secure allies, so imprisons BoJo as a scapegoat for Brexit, promising to keep


Tim orders the execution of dissenters, his time is coming

him away from England’s finances if Tim Farron will aid him. The long vanished George Osborne frees BoJo from his cell in the dead of night, with the blessing of Lord Farron, and Nigel is stabbed to death at the pub urinal. Farron seizes the Pub Throne, and thus the banners of the yellow bird are unfurled over Middle England.


This has all happened before Article 50 was even triggered, Michael Gove has been chained to a desk in Whitehall, the pen in his hand to sign the order for five years, he is unable, all he does now is madly chant, “Hold the deficit! Hold the deficit!”

And of course, Winter is Here.

Chavonne Brown


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